I Question Myself
by Hyuga Akimoto
Summary: Young Hyuga Hanabi is going through changes, undesired and unwanted by ninja, confused as to who she is and what she feels for others. All in the midst of a tense time where the slightest diplomatic error could send a world to war.


I find myself staring at her, stealing the occasional glance while she isn't looking, blushing at the slightest touch, my heart beating at the very mention of her name. What's wrong with me? What's this I'm feeling now?

I do my best to keep away from her, yet she is insistent on spending time together, like sisters should. She takes my hand and we run to her room, where we indulge in things we did when we were just children. We talk of what happens during the day, she speaking of her innermost thoughts and feelings, and I lie.

She is openly kind to me, not out of fear, or respect, but simply because I am me. I feel myself well up inside, my heart on the verge of spilling, out of these simple acts of kindness.

Yet, I try my hardest to ignore these feelings, I attempt to stare at Neji and think of thoughts of romance and adventure, I look to my teammate Tanaka and attempt to procure a relationship, I delude myself by dreaming of men that other women think handsome and worthy of worship. But I just can't, I can't rid myself of my thoughts of her.

I suppose it began some time ago, a year ago I believe, as I sat down upon the ground, exhausted from training, striking solid iron wood and expelling chakra from every pore of my body, I found myself admiring her dancing on the water.

I was simply an errant girl of 13, and she was a beauty that walked with a grace and beauty that I sometimes felt I was emulating. She moved upon water, bringing streams of purity swirling around her, and I watched mesmerized. Long had been that time when she was considered the weaker, and I the stronger. Whereas I trained in the original style of the Gentle Fist, had it hammered into my very movements, she took the basic movements and expanded them, turning them into a graceful arc of movement, a dance, a ballet of power. She became unique.

She trained upon the water, whilst I trained on the earth, I was bound and she was not. With these thoughts emerged envy as I looked to her, admiring her every movement, appearing to be a spirit guiding the water. She then noticed me as I watched, and ceased her amazing movements, stopping that flow of water that was so necessary to life. As she approached me, I mentally regretted having so openly watched her, for my observations caused her to end the fusion of power and grace in the movement of a mere human.

"What's wrong imouto-san?" She asked as she took her place next to me.

I stole a glance at her for a moment before turning my eyes back to the stream she had practiced upon. Her skin was a pale, alluring tone, her long dark indigo hair fell along her face and framed her features, pale lavender eyes curiously staring at me. Her plain clothes did her no justice, still wearing that heavy jacket and baggy pants that hid her slender, gorgeous frame. As I caught myself thinking of my sister in such a way, I was struck by disgust. What was I doing? Checking out my sister?

"N-nothing onee-chan… Just watching you…" I half mumbled with little strength behind the words.

"Ah, I see." She exclaims, and there's a slight pause, a tense moment of awkward silence between us.

"Hey, look, the stars are coming out, see?" She points out to me as I look towards the heavens, and stare in awe. In an attempt to busy my mind, I look for familiar constellations within the sky, but my frantic mind cannot seem to find any connection.

"Onee-chan, I was wondering, your fighting style's changed so much from the traditional Gentle Fist." I hesitantly ask, attempting to relieve some of my own self inflicted tension.

"Yeah, I noticed too," She agrees, and I continue, "Are you going to rename it then? It's partially the Gentle Fist, but it's changed so much I don't think you could call it that anymore…"

"Hmm, I've been thinking about that for a long time. How about 'The Supreme Graceful Ultimate Fist of Divine Penitence'!" She jokingly replies, her attitude so much more different than I remember years ago.

"The Supreme Graceful Ultimate Fist of Divine Pentinence? That sounds so lame!" I remark, and we burst into pleasant laughter, I wishing this moment would last forever.

"Hinata-sama, Hanabi-sama, it is time for dinner, please come back in." A voice comes and disturbs us. It's Neji, a smile spread across his face, yet a questioning look in his eyes, most likely wondering as to what we're laughing about.

"Alright then." Hinata sighs and gets up, extending a hand to me. I gingerly take it, a blush spread across my face.

"So, what's so funny?" Neji questions as we approach him and enter the double doors of the vast Hyuga complex.

"Well, we were talking about the Gentle Fist and…." She speaks, and yet my mind begins to trail off.

That night I did my best to divert myself from those strange thoughts I had prior, attempting to join in at any conversation I could at the table, eating as much as I could, preoccupying myself. I even went so far as to assist the servant with cleaning the table and washing the dishes.

As I stood in the kitchen washing the dishes, Neji approached me, quietly entering the kitchen, silently sliding the doorway shut.

"Is there anything wrong Hanabi?" He asked like a close friend would ask another, no suffixes, no formalities, just heartfelt concern.

"N-no, there's nothing wrong." I respond, beginning to furiously scrub at the dish I was holding to the point that some of the paint began to scrape off.

"Are you sure?" He asked once more, his tone almost pleading with me.

My hands automatically grinded away at the dish as I attempted to come up with a response, and for some odd reason, I began to wonder when had he moved from such a cold bastard to a loving friend. I never looked in his direction, never mind his eyes or even face.

"J-just something I need to ask Hinata-Oneesan later…" I manage to blurt out.

"Alright then…" He responds, and I automatically assume he thinks it must be girl problems. I thank Kami-sama for shrouding so many of our problems from the other sex.

I listen as he opens a cabinet, pulls out something and leaves, loudly shutting the door. I look around to ensure he's no longer in the room, and as a precaution, I activate my Byakugan. I watch as he carries some snack called "Peanut Sand" into his room and began to slowly eat it before preparing to sleep.

I sighed and continued my task, autonomously taking each dish, cup, and piece of cutlery into my hand and washing it with clean and cool water, so that no bit of dirt could remain.

Later that night, I lay there struggling with my feelings. I look at every possibility, perhaps I had a crush? I hear about a lot of people having crushes on their older siblings, and then outgrowing them simply because that aura of protection and calm left them as they too became adults. Or maybe I was entranced by her dancing, it was quite amazing, quite easily capable of being turned into some amazing dance performed only at theaters. Then I came to the idea that maybe I was gay…

I immediately banished that thought from my mind, and scolded myself for having thought such a thought. I had never had such feelings before, why should I begin having them now? Besides, such a thought was incestuous, and even though there were some points in our clan's history where brothers wed sisters, they were purely for furthering the blood line, it was preposterous simply because this was no arranged marriage, it was infatuation! Never mind the fact that father would have me slaughtered and hung by my entrails for even giving off a hint of homosexuality…

I eventually came to the conclusion that it was because of her dancing that mesmerized me, that there was no sexual attraction between myself and her what-so-ever. I attempted to change my mindset by thinking about various men all over the village, first my teacher Santimai-sensei, with his mysterious, long black hair, radiant green eyes, calm personality and a body sculpted by gods, but I felt nothing, not a twinge nor lust. I tried thinking about Tanaka, attempting to have an imaginary romantic rendezvous within the annals of my mind, but nothing came of it other than how foolish he would sometimes act, or the annoying way he ate ramen. I went so far as to think about that boy Hinata was enamored with, Naruto, or that Sasuke, yet nothing.

As I struggled with myself attempting to convince myself that I was straight, I was slowly overcome with sleep. Within that coffin of sleep, I had a dream, a dream of questionable nature.

This dream of mine began in a daze. At first, it started upon a river, no a pond. From it I could feel the heat of a hot water spring warm and soothe my feet, simply standing there staring into the stars. As I watched the stars move, changing in brightness and depth, sparkling so much like diamonds upon a dark wall, I heard a voice call out to me.

"Hanabi-chan, come here, have a drink!" A familiar, jovial voice calls out.

As I twirl around behind me, my eyes lowering to take in the sights around me, I found that I was in the hot springs nearby the Hyuga Complex, oh so familiar from spending many a night laying in its lazy, comforting waters. I looked down, and I felt a familiar red warmth spread across my cheeks, I could see in my reflection that I had turned a red deeper than blood.

Sitting there was my teammate, Sayomi, completely naked and sitting in the clear waters, a drink of some kind in hand. Her long black hair fell along her back and chest, covering her breasts from obvious view, her piercing red eyes staring straight into my white eyes.

Next to her was an equally nude Hinata, my own sister, and I too began to blush furiously. It had in fact been a long time since I saw another girl naked, simply because I took my baths all alone, late at night, even as a child.

I looked down further to find myself standing atop the water wearing nothing, save for my birthday suit. I'm immediately assaulted by my sister and Sayomi, making whistling calls and shouting towards me "Stop teasing us now, we all know how good-looking you are!", and other sarcastic comments.

My immediate response was to fall into the water, resulting in a splash that sent ripples throughout the pool, becoming immersed in warm the warm water immediately. I heard laughter as I bashfully swam towards them, my cheeks hidden underneath the water.

"Now Hanabi-chan, why are you being so shy around us?" Sayomi asked comically, waving her arms about and spilling some of her blue drink into the clear water, slowly dissolving into the clear water.

"What's wrong Hanabi, too shy to take a bath with your sister?" Hinata added, swimming around me, then taking me by the shoulders, slowly massaging them.

As I floated there stunned, unable to speak, I attempted to turn my head to answer her, but she closed the arms-length distance between us, and caught my arms pinned in an embrace. She shyly whispered into my ear, "What's wrong imouto-chan? Hmm? What's wrong?"

I felt her tighten closer, her soft breasts pushing against my back, taking a hand and dragging it across my cheek, then letting trace down my neck, along my collarbone, ending at my heart.

"I…I…" My spluttered response attempts to call out in desperation.

This wasn't happening, it wasn't! I am straight! Straighter than an arrow!

"C'mon now, Hanabi-chan. Don't you like us?" Sayomi approached slowly, longingly gazing into my eyes, dropping her glass into the clear blue.

Her face came inches away from mine, her hands taking my own face and caressing them gently feeling each and every touch so strongly as to almost jump at every stroke. She then brought her hands around my cheeks, framing my face in her soft, smooth hands, using them to guide my head to hers, until we were forehead to forehead.

"I…I…I'm n-not l-like that Sayomi-san…" I attempt to meagerly resist, but it doesn't cease her approach.

She gently kisses me on the lips, and then licks my lips, dragging her tongue across my cheeks and neck, down to my collarbones, ending in a kiss. I shudder involuntarily, whether it be out of the sheer pleasure I felt at that moment, or because of my super-ego screaming at me at how wrong this was, I didn't really know.

I shut my eyes for a moment, and then I hear movement around me. I open them once more, to find that Sayomi and Hinata had switched places. Sayomi was holding me by the waist, leaving my hardly developed chest free to be viewed by Hinata, yet my arms were still pinned, and even if I could, I don't think I would have moved.

"W-Why….?" I meagerly ask, and Hinata responds to me as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Don't you like it?" She answers, then envelopes me in a passionate kiss.

The funny thing was that I enjoyed it more than anything I had ever felt before.

"Wake up imouto-chan, wake up." Hinata then tells me, staring deeply into my eyes, and it all turned black.

"Wake up imouto-chan, or we'll be late!" I heard Hinata call out from the other side of my door.

I was back inside my room, sweating heavily, every moment of that strange dream engraved into my mind, replaying it moment by moment in my beating head.

"I-I'm awake!" I cry out to Hinata's voice, her response about something having to do with a mission, breakfast, and being late for something, I far too confused to do anything about it.

I felt my crotch somewhat warm and damp, and I slowly feel down, first going down the blankets, feeling my way across the oversized shirt a wore, and down to my panties. I felt them, and they were soaking wet, and I immediately brought my fingers to my nose. It didn't smell of urine, and I immediately threw the blanket off. No stain, completely removing the idea of me wetting my bed, which seemed rather improbable in the first place. That would've been far more preferable…

Yet, that would mean that I had an orgasm dreaming about…

I didn't even want to think about it. I jumped out of my bed with zeal, running to my dresser and rummaging through the various paraphernalia until I found what I needed, a pair of clean underwear and an exploding tag. I threw off my currently soiled pair and slipped the clean pair on. I then went about attaching the explosive tag to the dirty cotton pair, and threw it to the floor, and watched as it caught fire and burned.

Once it burned itself out, I took a tissue and swept up the ashes. Holding it out as if it were toxic, I walked into my personal bathroom, tossed it into the toilet and flushed it out of existence.

Oh Kami-sama…What the hell was that about? I had heard of girls having fantasies in their sleep, but not like this…

I washed my face and brushed my teeth rather robotically, not really focusing at the task at hand. I then slowly ambled towards the earlier mentioned dresser, and began throwing on my basic attire.

It consisted of a simple black t-shirt, followed by a fishnet shirt, sleeves extending to my wrists, and finally a black leather vest with two poaches on the chest, and the eight trigrams illustrated upon the back. As for my legs, I wore a pair of somewhat form-fitting black jeans, with a white strip of cloth hanging from my left side, creating the appearance of a half skirt. Finally came the heavy black belt from where my kunai and shruiken hung.

During this time of dressing, I began to ponder as to what I should do. Talking with father was out of the question, or any member of the Hyuga clan for that matter. Sensei was always an option, but I held him to be a closet pervert when I caught him reading some perverted book called "Icha Icha Paradise". He'd probably try to take advantage of a young girl like me. That left few other options.

There was always the Hokage, but she had been rather busy lately, and Sayomi would have no idea as to what I'm going through, as well as the fact that she was in the dream helped little. The only person I could think of that wouldn't immediately ridicule me, have time for me, and really help me was Hinata. But, ironically enough, she too was in the dream. In desperation, I decided to change the details of the dream, making the women men, in order to make myself seem completely straight, which I was anyway.

As I walked out of my room and towards the dinning room, I began to really regret father not allowing me to go to those sex education classes back in the academy, unlike Hinata of whom he didn't care enough about that he allowed her to go. I was unfortunately instructed in a rather awkward way by my father, of which I still don't really get much of what he told me today.

What little I did know was told to me by fellow classmates. Predominantly that being gay was bad, being straight was good, you got wet during an orgasm, and that sex generally felt great, but you had to be married to do it. Sayomi was just too shy to talk about anything like that

I finally reached the door leading into the dining room from the previous night, and I find Hinata and Neji sitting and chatting, sipping at tea and picking at pickled radishes. I spied what I presumed to be my now cold breakfast of eggs, fried rice and duck, and took the seat before it.

"So immotou-chan, what kept you?" Hinata quietly asked from across the table, Neji a few seats to my right.

"N-nothing, I just couldn't get any sleep last night." I lied, taking a piece of egg and tossing it into my mouth.

"Well, we're not late yet, but we'll have to leave soon if we're to be assigned our mission." Neji explained.

I quickly finished my breakfast, and we slid outside the front entrance with haste. As we walked, I began to think as to whether I wanted to talk to Hinata about this or not. This had been the first time I'd ever had a dream like that, even experienced those feelings. I would have to make up my mind soon…

"Hey Onii-san, can you keep going for a bit? I want to talk with Hanabi-chan alone for a moment…" Hinata informed Neji, it appears that Hinata's making this choice for me.

"All right then, but make sure you get there on time." Reluctantly agreed, disappearing in a flash of smoke and leaving Hinata and myself alone.

"Is there something bothering you Hanabi?" She asked, the second time it had been asked in less than ten hours I oddly noticed.

"Well, there is something…" I hesitantly begin, entering the point of no return.

"Alright then, you can tell me anything." She then closed to considerable gap between us as if to strengthen that promise, but just to make it official…

"Promise? Not even father?"

"Not even father." She agreed, and so I began.

"Well, I had this weird dream…" I paused to make sure she didn't appear to be joking, or if anyone was listening on this half of the sidewalk. No one else was around, and Hinata looked dead serious. "I…I dreamt I was in a hot tube with…with…" I stumble, wondering if I should reveal all the details of the dream, "with my sensei and my teammate, Tanaka-kun… We were doing…Things…" I vaguely finish, hoping that Hinata would catch my drift.

"Oh, I see…" Hinata pauses, somewhat lost in thought, "Well, you had a wet dream." She explains, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

"But it was indecent! I shouldn't be having those kinds of thoughts! Father said it was wrong to be thinking like that!" I snap, frustrated at the fact that Onee-chan appeared so calm about it, despite the fact I changed a huge detail.

"Well, you just turned 13, so it's normal for you to be having these kinds of thoughts and dreams. You're going through puberty." She rationalizes, patting me on my head.

"Puberty? You mean when girls become women?"

"Yeah, you'll have a tendency to think up of these sorts of fantasies. I know I did, a lot in fact." She admits somewhat hesitantly, "But it's completely normal, don't worry about it, you'll be fine." She assures me, but I'm still packed with questions.

"Wait, does this mean I'll start getting breasts, and hair down there, and…" I begin, but Hinata cuts me off.

"In a little while, but for now, don't worry about it. I know you've got plenty of questions, and I'd answer them, but it looks like we'll be late if we don't hurry up…"

"Promise to answer my questions after the mission then?"

"Promise."

I raise my pinky up, to ensure this promise is kept, and she vigorously takes it up, we shaking our little pinkies. It seems rather childish now that I look back on it, but I hadn't been acting myself then.

We begin to move at a brisk pace, running almost towards the administration office. I hardly took note of my surroundings as we ran, as my mind was rushing far faster than I ran. Did all girls go through this as they were becoming women? Weird dreams and odd urges, I did not relish the idea of this process in the least…

We burst through the doors of the two story building, only to be met by that loud, obnoxious, and rather blonde haired fool.

"Hinata-chan!" He cried out and embraced her, and she herself grew quite red at this outward display of affection, which ended in a kiss, on the lips I might add.

I felt my hands tighten into fists, and felt my jaw tighten, radiating murderous intent upon that man my sister was so enamored with, and something I had never felt so intensely before. Sure, the few times I had met him after he and my sister began going out, kissing and hugging in public no less, I had felt negative towards him, almost hatred, but never anything so strong as this.

"Oy, imouto-chan!" He called out towards me, snapping me out of my rage, and embraced me in a hug, which I found shocking and degrading, both him calling me HIS little sister, as well as the fact it was a hug.

Despite my initial resistance, I somewhat melted into his hug, and found it oddly pleasant, reminding me of being somewhere safe, with someone I could trust. I could see why Hinata would like this Uzumaki guy. It was almost like being in that dream again…

No! What's wrong with me? First looking at my sister, having that weird dream, and now, I'm beginning to like this Naruto? She's my sister's lover! What's wrong with me?

I gently push him off, and he takes it as a hint to back off, and he jumps away almost, rubbing the back of his head like a fool.

"Oh, sorry about that imouto-chan…"

"That's all right." I growl back somewhat.

"Okay then," His expression changes immediately from apologetic to serious to downtrodden in a moment, which meant he was either very disturbed, or a good actor. I voted for the former, "I'll be gone for a few days on a mission Hinata-chan, I'm sorry about that."

"That's alright Naruto-Kun, Hanabi and me are heading off on a mission with Neji-kun as well." She assured Naruto, easing his conscious.

"I'll take you out to dinner next week then?"

"I'll be glad to, Naruto-kun!"

They then embrace, hug, and part ways. Upon observing this, I finally noticed the scope as to how much my older sister had changed. No longer is she that shy girl that always hid behind someone or something, but she's outgoing and kind, yet strong when she needs to be.

I finally took note of where we were standing at this point. A white hallway lined with white doors, with a white security desk in the center, with white tiles and a white ceiling. It was so white that it somewhat hurt my eyes…

"You're here finally," Neji called to us walking down the hall way of the rather large two story office building. He was flanked by a rather old man on his right, drinking a bottle of sake, and a young boy of nine or ten to his left. "Our mission is to protect these two."

"You're team Hyuga? Naruto-kun said you were all supposed to be strong, but the only one that looks strong is him." The little boy remarked without blinking. I wanted to grind his face into the ground almost immediately.

"Hey Inari, don't go saying stuff like that, and besides, if Naruto said they were strong, their strong." The old man took a moment to take a long draft from his bottle, "And don't go making Hinata, whichever one of them is that, mad." Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Because she's Naruto's girl, right?" That pest Inari asked, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Yeah."

This had to be the worst mission for hire. Ever.

Author's Note: Well, hello there everyone, I'm back from a long hiatus, my computer caught a virus and hasn't been working for….Well a long time, as long as "To Find One Another" hasn't been updated. I felt the story going somewhat stale, so I decided to take a break from it, and come back to it. For the moment, I wanted a fresh new start in making a new story, this time exploring a young ninja's life, going through puberty and what not. I decided on Hanabi because she's a rather unexplored character, which meant I could make up as much crap about her as I want. The other reason was that she was a super-high pedigree Hyuga, who was supposed to be above temptation, and was not supposed to be feeling such things for other women, as well as less than desirable men. This will make for quite the tragic flaw.


End file.
